I can’t believe I am posting this question, but maybe some feedback from people I don’t know will help. Besides this really is kind of embarrassing and I hate to ask anyone I actually know.
Here’s the bottom line. It’s going on four months at this point, but at any given time my husband and I average sex 4 times a year (6 if I am really lucky). We have been married for 7 years and known each other for 13.
We have tried both Viagra and Levitra – he hates the side effects.
Knowing that he had been depressed with different things his doc put him on Wellbutrin. Not only is this an anti-depressant, but it is one that helps to increase sex drive. I see the effects on his depression (which was mild), but not in libido.
Yes, I have a much higher sex drive than he does, although to be accurate before me going two weeks without sex was forever to him.
We had so many arguments over this because I have wants and needs and I feel that sometimes he should just have sex for the sake of making me happy. God knows, I am not a perfect wife, but I will do things that are more time consuming and less fun just because I know it will make him happy.
I also stopped arguing about it, as I do realize this puts added pressure and makes sex even more undesirable. I have not brought it up in about 9 months.
Although I am not a supermodel, I am not ugly either. Middle of the road normal woman I think. In fact, I did just lose a bunch of weight, making me more attractive than before – though these problems were before and after weight loss.
I have asked for counseling numerous times – he refuses, he won’t budge on this one, so the point is moot.
I have tried coming onto him, this leads to rejection. And always with the stupid excuse that I pick the worst times to want to have sex. He’s tired, in pain, etc although even with all that he can still manage to do other things.
I have tried sexy nighties, sex toys, porn, telling him I was going upstairs to masturbate thinking this might spur some type of action out of him.
I cannot talk to him about this anymore as I feel like garbage. I just want him to want me sexually and it seems the thought never crosses his mind. Which is total BS, because really, I know all men are different, but never wanting it? Not believable!
I have even stopped talking directly about our sex life for fear it will be perceived as an attack on him, making things worse. I have tried dropping very subtle hints – not even about us, just sex in general or so, thinking this might get the ball rolling.
Even tonight, we were able to have both of our kids gone (our anniversary was the other day) so we went out to dinner to celebrate – his idea. Now we have a house with no kids and I am in bed typing this and he is watching TV downstairs. Before I even came up here I made sure to get into the shower and walk all the way through the house to the bedroom in just a towel (see subtle hint).
Yes, I know taking care of oneself is all well and good. I have done it numerous times. However even this has become great stress because I want to be touched, kissed, made love to (or even downright hardcore porn things if that’s his mood then – doesn’t always have to be lovey and romantic, just sex). Masturbation is almost impossible because although the ultimate desired effect is fulfilled I just end up sobbing afterward that I am resorted to that. If sex was once a week but me needing it more, than masturbating would be fine. But when it is 3 – 6 times a year always having to do for oneself becomes so much more lonely. Especially when I will drop the hint that I am going to “rub one off” I am so horny and he can’t pull himself away from the TV to “come help me with that”.
And no he is not gay. Can’t be as positive about cheating, but I doubt it. Although I have had suspensions, I am a woman and I also know that sometimes we can blow things way out of proportion.
I cannot come on to him and I cannot initiate sex as the rejection has been so frequent and/or blunt that my psyche just can’t take any more.
Sorry this is so long, and that suggestions can be limited because I have tried everything I can think of. But I cannot put myself out there for any more rejection, I can’t take it.
And yes, all his parts work. It isn’t a medical problem. And I feel I have been patient long enough. I cry myself to sleep (crying now as a matter of fact). I just want to be touched, to be desired, to be wanted. Is that to much to ask, am I being selfish? I don’t expect everyday (although I would be up for it), but I previously talked to him about maybe once a week. I don’t think that is unreasonable.
Also, yes the 3-hopefully 6 times a year he wants it, I give in (although part of me wants to reject him for his constant rejection of me, part of me doesn’t like the fact my needs are ignored but when something comes up I a
So far replies are been great.
@theafrican – I thought about leaving many times, it is hard to do, we have a 9 & 11 year old. We already moved them from the city to country life. Changing again seems so selfish of me. Maybe it isn’t, but I can’t help feeling I should stay, at least until the kids get older.
@dorkvader – I saw a counselor myself & she was wonderful! she also said that sex is a VERY important part of marriage (most psychologists agree) & I am not being unreasonable in need/wanting it. She helped so I could vent to someone but all in all did nothing for the marriage. You’re probably right, I should start seeing someone else, maybe w/o him knowing so he doesn’t think advice came from someone else & may be more receptive.
@watermelon – tried some of that, brought another woman into the picture, although I couldn’t do it after a bit & i think marriage should be 2, not 3 (but to each his own) even tried asking for open marriage -he wouldn’t have it, so at a loss now

Answer:

WOW what a wife! I mean you seriously have done everything I was going to suggest! He should be extremely thankful. I would say take a trip or vaccation just the two of you but seeing that you had the house to yourself and he still didn’t want too makes me think you will get the same result.

I’m going to assume that you’ve asked what you can do? and it hasn’t changed? Either way this is a serious problem. In my opinion he’s being a real jerk too and extremely selfish.

My best advice is this you need to start seeing a counselor perhaps go see one by yourself for the first time. Tell him/her what’s going on and ask for advice. At the very least the counselor can help guide you through this. The counselor can probably help you get your husband into the counseling also.

I’m OCD and see a counselor about once a month. I had to see 4 different counselors before I found one I liked. The KEY to finding a good counselor is finding who does it because they ENJOY what they do and not in it for the money. You also need to make sure they have similar/common morals and beliefs as you. I’d also recomend looking for one that specializes in Family and Marriage counseling you don’t want one who mainly deals with addictions. It might take a bit of looking but you will find one.

Anyway good luck and I hope it all works out.