We’ve been married 12 years, 2 kids ages 8 and 6. I love her very much. I think she may be feeling unattractive/unloved by my lack of sexual interest based on a few things I’ve been able to find online this morning. I just don’t feel the need to do it as often as she does. Her demands and pressure are making me feel pressured and it seems like a chore. Just like I like to ride my new motorcycle, I wouldn’t want to ride it 2 hours a day…but maybe a few days a week for 30-45 minutes or so. Too much of a good thing at least in my case, isn’t good, it cheapens it for me, and yes, it feels like work if asked to do it too much, just like the motorcycle analogy. But for her, she really wants it once a day or preferably more. I told her maybe cause I’m getting older at 34 years old, I dunno. She’s 35, attractive, good build, so that’s not an issue. She says I’m still young enough, and that shouldn’t be a prob. I’m not nearly as easily aroused as I used to be. After a blowout on the subject. I need help in the form of potential solutions. Other than the obvious ‘have more sex’ thing…I was thinking of scheduling sex. Our time together in the eve’s is plagued with noisy kids, tv, a small condo. Maybe if we make a “date” to do the deed, it will give me time to mentally psyche myself up for it. Other thoughts? Maybe Cialis or Levitra? Costs on those? Covered by insurance? I’ve heard bad thing about viagra. I think we need to compromise at 3-5 times a week. Help Please!

Answer:

Consider your wife’s perspective. Her desire to enjoy sex may not be altered or changed by the number of years married, number of kids, or ages of the kids. This desire for a sexual release may be consistent for her while your desire fluctuates based on some of these factors. Continuing with your analogy, let us suppose for a moment that your wife is the type of person who would enjoy to ride a motorcycle for 2-3 hours a day while someone like you can be satisfied in much less time. How many hours or minutes is the correct time to ride a motorcycle? Which one of you is right? Perhaps, you both are correct. 30-45 minutes is the right amount of time for you, while 2-3 hours is the right amount of time for her.

I say all of this to help you understand that the frequency of sex she desires is not wrong simply because it is inconsistent with the frequency of sex that you feel is right for you. Everyone is different, and it is okay for us all to be different in this regard. I really do not think you believe that your wife wants more frequent sex because she wants you to feel overwhelmed, pressured, or become burnt out on it. Most likely, she wants more sex because of the enjoyment she receives from it. She does have a right to want to enjoy sex and to express this desire to you. She does not necessarily have the right to demand that you completely ignore your own wants by catering to hers. My guess is that she would prefer for you to find an increased desire to have more frequent sex with her.

The good news is that you are already on the right track. You are considering options for compromise, such as 3-5 times a week. That seems to be meeting in the middle. I would also like to consider taking turns sometimes. By this I mean, that one week you have it your way: sex once and then be left alone. Another week, she can have it her way: a week long sexual marathon where you give her as much as she wants.

Maybe you will find that your desire increases some. Maybe she will finally get her fill and become satisfied with not having sex every single day. Maybe you both will find that you naturally start to gravitate toward the very compromise that you suggested.